I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
