I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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