Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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