i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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