im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
