You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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