Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize