That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
