forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
