she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
what day is it and did you see me today?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
