I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
