you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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