does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
