she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
