I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
