I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
