i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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