mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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