he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
