Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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