dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
