I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
