So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
