i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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