thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
