So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
