just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
