i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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