I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
