the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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