dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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