i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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