he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
