Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
