matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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