im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
