why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
