new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Randomize
