operation harelip BJ is a go
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
COCAINE IS GR8
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
