how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
