Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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