Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
me + whiskey = a bad person
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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