i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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