Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
