I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
