I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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