My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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