My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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