Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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