counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
