I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
