and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
