Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
