Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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