I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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