And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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