I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
