Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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