The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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