How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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