Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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